Perfection Requires a Hint of Madness

Ergh. My plans to go under 400 cals today got ruined by my mom. She tried making chocolate pastries, and made Allegra (my younger sister) and me taste it for her.

I refused the pastry, insisting that I don't have a sweet tooth, but she made me eat it anyway. Sweets taste horrible to me. I couldn't even purge. My mom made me do the dishes with her, and she stared at me while I finished the pastry - god, it was painful eating such a sweet and fattening food.

So after I had the pastry, and realised I had no chance of ever purging, I put on my running gear and went out for a run - at four plus, where it was pretty cloudy. I rounded up a 2 mile jog, and went home.

My mom saw me in my trainers, nike tee and shorts, and she scowled. She was like, 'Why do you bother running so much?' I was so tempted to answer her, 'Because I wanted to get rid of that pastry you made me eat.' But I didn't.

I went back to my room, and Allegra was being a bitch, as usual. She asked me why do I even bother to run 80 miles a week, only to stay so fat. God, I wanted to slug her that instant. She doesn't deserve that figure of hers. >:[

Hope everyone's doing alright.

-Alysson.

does any one know of any good work out dvds, like mega calorie burning ones?
xxx

Yes ma'am! It's 6pm right now and I did it! So that makes 66 hours fasting. And now I'm on the hunt for one really fucking good salad. I can't believe I made it through work today without eating anything. No breakfast tacos, or donuts, or cookies, or chocolate. NOTHING! I sipped some tea, but it was gross. I'm so proud of myself. People kept offering me food and I kept turning it down. A whole lot of "No thank you's" were issued out today. I don't know where to get my salad from though. I want it to be really good. No iceberg lettuce crap. Not too fattening though. Dressing on the side, no cheese. I might have meat simply because I need the protein. Maybe that will make my heart shut-up. But wow! I didn't think I'd do it. It started out as a 24 hr fast and here I am at 66 or longer since I need to go do a bit of shopping and I need to decide where to eat if I eat at all. This fast could totally go on and on. I'm really spaced out right now and my chest hurts a little. Slight headache, but my body'll figure it out. It cannot win. I have power. I have control. It feels really good to be saying that again. For once I wasn't a total fuck up! Gosh I hope you ladies are succeeding at something, it doesn't even have to be concerning food. Just something in life because it feels GOOD! Thank you so much for all of the support and I'm here to encourage each and every one of you!

Hey there =) I'm posting daily in my journal how im losing weight. I want to lose 40 pounds, if you want you can follow it. :)
Im always up for new friends!!

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It's almost noon and I'm on my lunch break. I KNEW there would be food at work this morning. Breakfast tacos and fresh donuts. I know they are right out the oven, but I'm convincing myself that they are old and try. They are literally sitting right in front of my face and the aroma permeating through the box is very tempting. But I won't eat one. My fast will be broken with a salad and nothing else. So in half and hour I will have made it 60 hours on my fast. I can do it. Abd if I can do that then surely I can make it another 6 hours! I really don't want to break it. I'm considering only having alcohol tonight, no food and then eating afterward if we do our usual. And then resume fasting afterward. But we'll have to see how I'm feeling at 6. We'll have to see if I even make it to six. Wish me luck ladies! AND~ I made my goal tht I set for today of 159 pounds, but I was actually 157 this morning. Two 2 pounds beyond. And 2 pounds into my Christmas goal. Only 2 more pounds to go and that's doable in a wek's time. I'm pushing harder than ever. I just need to get myself back to the gym soon. How bout starting a regimen in the New Year. I hope all of you ladies are doing well and succeeding. Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

I am stuck at a plateau again and I am so frustrated. I am not reaching my goal weight for saturday but I still have time till my vaca on thursday. i didn't lose a pound from yesterday when i thought i was going to. i think the grillled chicken salad was super salty and i had mozzarella on it. and at 1am i had a cookie but other than that the whole day i had only an apple yesterday. Today i am planning on just having 10 almonds and ice coffee all the way up until dinner. i need to weigh 113 by 4pm today. i don't know if that will happen since i was 114 this morning but i'm hoping for it. i wanted to lose 5 pounds by thursday for florida. why didn't i lose a pound or 1/2 a pound overnight i really barely ate. was it the one cookie or the salt? ugh anyhow i just woke up so disgusted and depressed and fat. what are you all doing to reach your goal weights for christmas?

shopping & friend's farewell party

had hiyashi chuuka (chinese/japanese cold noodles) *300* for lunch.
then teppanyaki for dinner. i'm not sure how much it was but there was miso soup, wasabi pickled vegetables, prawn, teriyaki chicken, steak (i only had 1 bite because it was medium-well) and a small serving of fried rice. the servings were all sufficiently small, but was really filling *say.. 500?*

i've got the most awesome friends anyone can ask for and it would be far too unfair for me to let my dieting take them away from me. i'm not saying that i want to give up again but after reading the comments i have received in my previous entry, i should balance out my social life and dieting by compensating. if i know i will be going out with friends, i will have to eat less on other days and when i'm with them i must not forget to control what i eat as well. otherwise i might just not eat when i'm alone..

thank you everyone for being such a supportive and helpful community!
i believe i can lose the 15kgs with you all ^^


lastly, do your family support your weight loss efforts?
my parents do and they are very well aware of the sudden swell in my weight..

okay so i will go do the salt water flush now i just woke up :)
i will also do a liquid fast for a week if i can, and i will excercise (mild walking) for an hour, plus a little dancing for like 25 minutes everyday.
do you guys think that is enough to lost 3 kilos by thursday? bare in mind that i have been stuck at 51 kgs for a long time now and it isnt changing. so what do you all think?
and if anyone with similar goals would like to join please let me know and we can exchange emails and be serious about this. because am really sick of my weight now.
and also, its getting kind of boring that all the posts are now revolved around food and what people binged on!! =\
so how are you all doing girlies? any good news to inspire me? :)
XXX

 Yes, I am sure most of you are tired of hearing from me every 6 hours, but I've made it to 48 hours. Longest fast since September maybe. I'm about to head to bed. I've had 2 glasses of wine and I'm tipsy-tired. I don't consider that breaking my fast since I haven't had any solid food and two glasses of wine ain't so bad when ur not eating at all. So, since I'm about to fall asleep, making it to 6 am is pretty much a given. I'm going to push for a 12 hr goal, putting me at 60 hours as of noon tomorrow. Huzzah! I can totally do this. If I make it to the end of my fast Friday evening, it'll be the best thing I've done in a while.... aside from completing my undergrad degree. After this weekend I'll be looking forward to my next fast. I hope all of you ladies are doing well and thanks again for your support! It means a lot!

---------------------------------------------

EDIT:

I forgot to write about side-effects. Yes, the effects of fasting have begun to hit me too. I don't know if it's the wine or the starvation, but I've hit the fasting high. Also, my chest has begun hurting again. Chest pains over my heart. A sharp pain that comes and goes. I know I'm dying every time I do this, but it doesn't stop me. A part of me wants to see how bad my heart can hurt. Sick, I know. And I'm a little spacey too. Detaching from the world... And a slight, annoying headache. Advil can fix that though.

I can't believe this is me.
I don't feel like I have collarbones like that( 90 )

So, the real question is..Am I Thin?

So I made it to 6 pm and here I am and I still haven't eaten. I'm going to push for midnight. Only 3.5 more hours! If I'm feeling alright then, there's no reason why I can't make 6 am. If the pain is unbearable, I'll break my fast with chicken broth. All I've had today is a calcium supplement and a 180 cal protein shake at work to keep me from eating like I normally do. I want to thank all of you ladies who have supported me through this. It really does help to keep me going. I get all comments sent to my email which I can read on my iPhone throughout the day and it really keeps me focused, so thank you!

I work at 7 am tomorrow and my co-worker's boyfriend's (now ex-boyfriend) dad always bring food for us to eat at work. Breakfast tacos or donuts or cookies. He brought Baklava last week. Or maybe it was donuts last week and Baklava the week before. In any case, I always overeat and I have a terrible time resisting the temptation to stuff my face. So wish me luck tomorrow! Now that she and her boyfriend are broken up, I wonder if her boyfriend's dad will keep bringing food. I kind of hope not. Anyways, I'll need your help. I'm going to try to skip my lunch break tomorrow and tell them that I just don't need it. Or maybe I'll just nap in my car for 30 mins. I think the thing I'm most terrified about is bingeing once I end my fast. Can I really maintain control and just restrict or will I go berserk?! It makes me want to keep fasting because I'm afraid of bingeing. Bulimia definitely still has a hold on my thought processes and it's an internal battle everyday. I haven't purged in over a month, but the need to binge hasn't gone away just yet. I'm working on it though.

Oh yeah, I've dusted off and have begun wearing my "ana" bracelet again. God, saying that makes me cringe every time. I'm not pro ana by any means. Just the thought of being such a person makes me nauseous, but I find that seeing this bracelet on my wrist throughout the day keeps me motivated. It's also way too big so I'm constantly having to readjust it which is also a reminder. It was never intended to be an "ana" bracelet. Actually, my sister made one for each of the brides maids at one of my other sister's wedding. Little did she know that it would become an item of motivation for self-destruction lol! Kind of makes me feel like I have an inside joke with myself especially since she and I don't get along anymore. Take that! Here are a couple of pictures of it. It really is pretty.Oh yeah, and I'm sick and tired of being too fat to fit into my clothes. I struggled putting on my fat jeans fresh out the dryer. That's no bueno. No bueno at all! Good luck to all you ladies, and sorry for the ramble. I'm trying to distract myself!

stepstomarrow
When granddaughter, Jada, was born with leukemia, a donor-match was located and Jada made a miraculous recovery. In honor of her grandaughter's health, Jeanna has decided to walk across the country (in the dead of winter) to raise awareness and build support for the bone marrow registry (all that's required is a cheek swab). Follow Jeanna's remarkable journey as she travels the United States by foot.

Worst two binge days
Second slightly better
But still
Ridiculous
Ugh
Why do we do these things?
Boo :(
Hope you're all doing better
x

the doctor didnt listen when i told her i only had 2 pills left. She told me to wean myself off them, because of the high chance of shittiness. I'm feeling that shittiness right now. I just want to binge and purge and cut and cry. I'm so so sick of this.

i had to :(
it was unavoidable..

got asked out for chinese gourmet dinner, drinks and supper with my friends.
i tried my best to restrict myself but i had so much that i felt so sick when i got home at 11.30p.m.. i don't know how many calories i had in total for that night because i failed to keep track how much food i had for dinner (maybe about 600ish but it was good ^^; ) but i had green apple martini - maybe about 300mls(?), 1/2 glass of beer and some 150ish calories of korean nibbles for supper.
then i vomited at 12:30ish  due to the effects of the alcohol..

can someone tell me approximately do those alcohol drinks contain?



its really hard to avoid all these stuffing, especially during this season..
i love my friends but at the same time i don't want to shun away just because i don't want to eat.
i guess the best i can do for myself now is to not eat too much when i'm out and to not eat when i'm alone. (controlllll~~)

does anyone face this situation as well?
help? :'(

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If I'm eating around 800 calories a day (veggies, fruits and lean proteins), how is my weight going up? No exercise btw.

Woot! That makes 36 hours. I'm kind of feeling like I'm on a roll with this so I'm going to milk it for as long as possible. Next goal is 6 pm tonight. I'll be at work the whole time which is when I am most likely to munch. Actually I'm likely to munch all day any day anywhere. So I'm taking some hot tea with me and if I really need something I'll have a 180 cal protein shake. I can totally do this. I hope everyone else is doing well today. Let's keep it going! If I'm still feeling good around 6 then I'll push till midnight again to make it a full 48 hours. Woohoo for fasting! It sucks, but at least I'm not worried about any calories I've consumed. Wish me luck! Just 6 hours!