Perfection Requires a Hint of Madness

Stressin..

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 17:17:30 GMT

Haven't been on for ages, i have just moved house and have only just got the internet up and running. i need to buy myself some new weighing scales. i haven't had any for a while and just weigh myself weekly to track my progress but its driving me mad i need to know how much i weigh NOW!! im going shopping later on when my boyfriend gets back from work so i might get some then if he lets me. im stressed out b/c i have a job interview tomorrow following that assessment thing i did last week. im bricking it!! i can't find any of the things i need to take, i can't find anything nice to wear and i'm not sure how to get there so i'm probably going to get lost on the way, and never turn up, which will lead to me feeling like a complete failure b/c it will just be another thing to add to the long list of pathetic fuck ups im soooo famous for. *sigh* i hate my life.....

......

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 13:52:36 GMT

Im doing ok, but am feeling like crap today, i can see the numbers on the scale going down but i feel fatter than ever, i'm screwed up :( I had 400cals yesterday but felt so guilty i ended up ~~cutting~~, i hate myself for being so pathetic and weak. So i'm trying to feel positive today but i'm not doing very well i've sat on my own all day left with my own sad thoughts. I haven't eaten anything today so far, my stomach is making such awful noises, i'm trying to silence it with water but its not helping so i'm going to keep myself occupied by exercising before i have to go and pick my boyfriend up from work at 5pm. We had an arguement last night which was my dumbass fucking fault as usual, i hate having mood swings and snapping at him, i feel so mean and selfish because 99% of the time hes done nothing wrong but i just fly off the handle at the slightest things. I push him away because in my head i wonder why he is with such a fat ugly digusting waste of space when he could have anyone he wanted. I feel as though he is only with me until something better comes along. But when i think rationally i know that he loves me to pieces, i mean we are engaged for Gods sake, i get so tired of battling with all my stupid insecurities.

On a lighter note...... i changed my userpic to a one from a modeling shoot i did bk wen was at least on the way to being thin. it wasn't one of the proper ones just one of me sitting about waiting, lol. What do u think? i know that when i was at that weight i was planning to lose another 15lbs.

Pancake Day......yuck

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 14:25:38 GMT

I hate pancake day, but I love lent so ive decided that im giving all carbs for it. i'm still sticking to under 500 cals a day of protein only hopefully it should have some effect on my fat ass. Doing well nothing to eat today so far, i'm just worried about later when my boyfriend gets back home b/c he eats like a horse bless him but is always trying to get me to eat too. i had my job interview and out of the 50 people who applied for it only 5 including me got thrugh to the second stage to the interview YAY GO ME!! i'm really pleased with myself b/c i need this job sooo badly. Fingers crossed for next week now. Short but sweet will post soon. x x x

I hate me!!!!!

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 11:27:58 GMT

AAAARRGGGHHH!!!!

I was doing so well last week, then the weekend came along and my progress has been ruined. I went to my fiances moms house on Friday night and she commented that i was losing weight again and if i carried on she would have to start watching me and making sure that i was eating properly. Then my fiance piped up and has started commenting on my weight saying things like:
''URGH i can see your ribs under up top''
''i can feel your hipbones sticking out''

Leave me alone!!!! i hate it when people comment on my body, it doesn't matter whether its a positive or negative comment i hate it, it makes me feel even more self conscious and anxious about myself b/c i don't want to be noticed.

Then on sunday we popped round again and my fiance insisted we stay for dinner, my worst nightmare, i hate eating in front of people, if i do eat it has to be in private b/c i feel as though everyone is looking at me and thinking 'what a fat cow stufing that shit in her face' Anyway she did me an extra large portion of:
mash potato
new potatoes
roast potoatoes (yuck)
roast chicken
yorkshire puds
vegatables

Its got to be 900cals at least and i'm probably being too kind on myself, argh!! I hate it!! i felt so bloated and stuffed. i planned on purging but his brother was in the shower so i couldn't. i had to sit there with all that food inside me, i could literally feel my stomach stretching and growing i just wanted to die there on the spot. So today i'm fasting and then back to the usual restriction for the rest of the week plus exercise. i'm scared to weigh myself b/c of yesterday so i'm going to wait until the end of the week to see if the numbers have moved either up or down, probably up :(

On a lighter note, i've got a job interview later on today so wish me luck, i really need this.
Stay Strong x x x

Its Friday!!

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 10:12:41 GMT

Morning my lovelies!!!

I'm having a good day today, woke up really positive about things....

I am going to be thin
I am going to be beautiful
I am going to be accepted
I am going to be happy....

Just done the weekly weigh in and i am 119lbs just one pound away from my 1st goal weight!! YAY!!
Going out tonight and am really excited about it, got the house to myself again today so I'm going to have a big pamper session so i can look my best for when i go out.

Going to exercise now speak soon xxxxx

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 23:43:15 GMT

Going to sleep now feeling really drowsy after taking 3 temazepam.

Night Night

xxxx

Tired...

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 23:38:57 GMT

Did ok today, only had under 600cals. Got really upset today b/c one of my friends announced that she was pregnant today, don't get me wrong i was soooo happy for her but it broke my heart and opened old wounds, as i had a miscarriage in November and it cushed me. i want to ~~self harm~~ so badly it took all my strength to resist. I would love to have a baby, its something i've always wanted and probably the only thing that i would succeed at, seeing as i fail at everything else in my life. Going out tomorrow so will fast all day and only have vodka or gin which has the least amount of calories. It will hopefully be a good night, but my anxiety usually takes over and i spend more time stressing about what people think that i look at than having a good time. So my goal tomorrow is to try and relax and just have a good time.

Will keep you updated on my progress....

xxx

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 19:04:25 GMT

Hey,
So was quite pleased with myself yesterday, spent two hours swimming, and only had 120cals all day. Not going to weigh myself unitl the end of the week, one because my scales were taken off me and two because when i do hopefullly i'll see more of a loss *fingers crossed* Got a party to go to on the 21st Mach so wana loose at least 10lbs by then, got a new outfit that i wana look good in for. I've got it hung on my wardrobe door for inspiraton. Got to go and take my car in for its M.O.T today and its only round the corner from the swimming pool so going to try and get an hour or two in of exercise again today only having liquids today, i don't feel hungry at all so am feeling really positive about everything so far today :)

Stay Strong x x x

Bleugh

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 10:28:22 GMT

Im so sick of myself. i was doing to well then i just wake up stuff my face then ~~purge.~~

Nothing for the rest of the day and the 10 day fast starting tomorrow.
My boyfriend is back at work now so got the place to myself, he wont push me to eat i can exercise in peace.
Feel like shit today but tomorrow is a new day and i wont fail.

Newbie...

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 23:09:47 GMT

Hi.........im a newbie

I'll just start with stats n go from there i spose

Height : 5'5
HW : too high
LW : 102 (God i miss this weight)
CW : 124
GW1 118
GW2 112
GW3 108
GW4 104
UGW 96

Much Love x x x